ARMAGEDDON TIRED OF THIS

So this December 21^st the world will come to a complete and abrupt end. The whole event will last approximately five minutes during which time the earth’s crust will liquefy and the whole of humanity will sink into a molten lava stew that waits beneath. Kiss you’re loved ones, call your parents, say a prayer…..it’s over…………….To quote the Indian commando from the movie Predator, “We’re all gonna die.” Or at least that’s what I’m told.

You see, my soon to be vaporized friends, the Mayan long count calendar, which is responsible in large part for this impending doomsday event, is only calculated to go as far as the 21^st of December 2012, based upon its starting time of 3114 BC. The calendar in question was designed on a 20 base or vigesimal system which scholars indicate was designed to most effectively use a Mayan person’s ten fingers and ten toes, thereby ushering in the first digital age of mathematics!

I certainly don’t want to dilute the special nature of this hideous event for you all but Mayan Mythology actually created four long count calendars, one for each world age that its gods created. We are fortunate enough to be witness to the fourth and final age, or long count calendar, which represents the age of man.  

Now before we all run screaming into the streets I think it’s important to inform my valued readers that the Mayans had calendars for just about everything you can imagine and for as long as you can fathom. Would it comfort you to know that our Mayan ancestors had calendars that calculated periods of time much longer then the fourth age long count? For example;

1 pictun = 20 baktun = 2,880,000 days = 7,885 years. Or better yet;

1 alautun = 20 kinchilton = 23,040,000,000 days = 63 million years.

Put that in your android and smoke it!

A number of the more scholarly interpretations of this calendar phenomenon actually have some level of scientific foundation to support their theories of impending planetary palooza. One such theory suggests that every 24,000 to 26,000 years the solar system and all it planets ebb toward the galactic boundary, causing the sun to emit potentially damaging electromagnetic pulses from solar flares onto the earths surface. These EMPs could have the power to kill off a significant portion of the earth’s population or at the very least cause electrical disruptions that would take years to recover from. According to these scientists we are currently at the 24,000 to 26,000 year mark; give or a take a thousand years.

Another pseudo science based explanation involves the earth’s gravitational field. Approximately every 400,000 years or so the earth’s magnetic field reverses polarity completely, making the South Pole the new North Pole. It is during this transformation that the disruption to the gravitational field causes havoc with the earth’s crust, which I am told is held down primarily by the force of gravity. With no real stable gravitational force in effect, the earth’s crust will fall apart, and either float away or sink into the liquid magma below. Either way this could be a real bummer for us humans. What is not known however is how long this changing polarity takes to complete its rotation. It could be a day, a year or a million years so we may have a little wiggle room there.

Some of the other more fantastic theories zinging through cyberspace involve a Sumerian discovered planet heading toward earth and scheduled to arrive around December 21^st. There are those who believe the planets will come to some kind of special alignment that will cause massive blackouts. For the frayed haired goggle wearing conspiracy theorists out there, December 21^st is the day aliens return from their prior visit to earth and check out how much progress, or lack thereof, we made with all the tools and scientific knowledge they gave us during their first trip 15,000 years ago. Nobody likes to be micro managed. Some believe that the world’s largest particle accelerator in Europe will be turned on this year and create a black hole that will turn earth into a dense blob the size of a basketball. Religious fanatics are convinced that the final battle between good and evil, (not Obama v Romney) or Armageddon is set to go down this year. Many believe, along with Physicists at Berkeley, that we are way overdue for a major catastrophic event and we will all assume room temperature very soon.

I personally don’t have the slightest notion that December 21^st will be anything other then payday Friday and the start of another winter. But it wouldn’t bother me much if it wasn’t. Humans living on this rock have had a tough time of late getting it together and one could make a solid argument that we have worn out our usefulness here. Maybe it is about time for a major earth cleansing event to come along and clean the slate and let another organism have a shot at this crib.

Maybe someday Mother Nature will tire of our petty arrogance and delusions of grandeur and simply bitch slap us off the face of the earth. The Mayan’s have calendars going forward for years. The earth’s magnetic field is fine and solar flares happen all the time. There’s no doomsday planet hurling this way and aliens must have better things to do then to waste gas driving to this side of the universe. The government is probably building the particle accelerator so it will never be finished on time and when it is, it won’t work. I can’t wait for the arrival of Armageddon so I’m sure it will continue to keep me waiting and nothing useful ever comes out of Berkeley so there it is. We just may have to co-exist for awhile longer.

If and when you wake up on the morning of December 21^st, be grateful. Treat it as if you have received a second chance. Make a positive change in some way for yourself or someone around you. Although we humans are magnificent at creating our own drama, use it’s folly as a motivator.

Who knows, maybe we will have a chance at total extermination next year.