HOLIDAY FUN, SLIGHTLY MUSED

Well the holidays are here in full force and every year it seems to arrive earlier then the year before. Coincidentally, it is also right around this time that my weight scale malfunctions and I can’t figure out why. I know, I know, but look; I try to watch what I eat and yet my eyes just aren’t quick enough. For some mysterious reason my better half starts bringing home foods that I should not be eating and I don’t think it’s accidental and she gets all upset when I tell her that I didn’t say my weight gain was her fault; I just said I was blaming her!

The holidays are a time for social events. Work parties and neighborhood gatherings bring co-workers and friends together to enjoy the art of conversation over cocktails and weenies. It is inevitable that some will over indulge in the spirits and reach the point where they loose the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, their powers of speech. You can always bet there will be some breathy, inebriated neighbor who will lean over too close and spit out some philosophical nonsense like, “did you know Newton stayed up all night puzzling the movement of the sun and then it dawned on him?” Hey good one….Drunks are a constant reminder to me that light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The holidays also happen to be a staging time for those who are planning their personal improvement goals for the New Year. Some wish to become fit, others want to lose weight and still others dream of overcoming some long held fear. I hear friends say they want to try skydiving but don’t have a parachute. I inform them that they don’t need a parachute to skydive. They only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The holidays are really all about peace and love. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they would never expect it. That’s mean I know, and not in keeping with the holiday theme for sure. Truth is I live in my own little world, they know me here. For the record, I do believe war is bad and I know that war doesn’t determine who is right only who is left.

We all try to forget the material things during the holidays and focus on our souls. We know money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. We can also renew our souls during this season by going to church and celebrating the true meaning of Christmas. I went to church recently and thought about asking God for a bike, but I know he doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The Holidays are time when we put aside our political differences and respect each others uniqueness. I have even gone so far as to tell my liberal friends that my days of not taking them seriously are coming to a middle. Seriously though…I let them know that I like them. They remind me of when I was young and stupid. I empathize with their condition and even though I don’t quite know what their problem is, I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.It is important however not to trivialize or diminish a persons beliefs, especially during the holiday season so when a liberal finishes telling me how they feel about any particular topic I confirm to them that their argument is sound, just sound, lots of sound. I let them know that I would like to agree with them, but then we would both be wrong.

The holidays can be a frantic time and it seems like there is just too much to do all of a sudden. Schedules are disrupted and getting enough rest can be a challenge. That is why I make sure to get at least eight hours of sleep a day. And at least ten at night.

Well folks I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. Keep up the holiday spirit and remember to get out there and exercise. My grandmother walks five a day, she’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is! And let’s remember the holidays are a time for hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were! 

Someday we will all run out of holidays and our time will come when we leave our earthly form behind. For me personally, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car!

I can’t quite figure the best way to end this blog. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

_____________________________________________________________________________
 

What you just read was purposefully filled with phrases called  "paraprosdokians". How many can you find?