Thank you for coming in Mr. Obama. As you undoubtedly read in the job announcement, this portion of the employment application process will be an oral interview with a somewhat relaxed conversational format where we will briefly go over your qualifications and job experience relative to this position. It will help to give us a better idea about who you are and what you may be able to provide for us here. Is there anything you would like to say before we start?
“Thank you gentlemen. I am confidant that my accomplishments during my tenure as emperor will speak for itself and will illustrate quite clearly what I am capable of doing to your, I ‘m sorry…for your fine corporation.”
Thank you Mr. Obama, with that I think we will proceed;
Now I see here in your Curriculum Vitae that you managed a multi trillion dollar budget and during your time as the emperor you claim to have ‘transformed” the American economy. Oddly sir, financial records indicate that during the three years and two months to date that you operated in the capacity of emperor the national debt skyrocketed 4.9 trillion dollars. Mr. Bush, the prior leader of the country didn’t do that much damage in eight years, yet you specifically called his actions “unpatriotic” when you sought to be the new leader. How would you respond to this Mr. Obama?
“That’s an excellent question gentleman, unfortunately you denied me the opportunity to have a teleprompter installed in this office prior to the interview and I was not given a list of questions before hand in order that I may adequately disperse blame to other people and organizations.” I can tell you with all candor however that the financial numbers you present are just that, numbers, and cannot accurately reflect the complex economic program that I have personally implemented. You would most likely become frustrated if you tried to understand such complex economic dynamics. Trust me.”
I see….Mr. Obama. Your prior employer reports that as emperor you drove the national deficit to over 15 trillion dollars and cost your country its AAA credit rating for the first time in 70 years. Additionally, there is over 100 million dollars in unfunded Social Security and Medicare liabilities. Is this something you care to address here?
“Ya, I’ll address it. I’ll address it to George W. Bush in somewhere Texas , which is just south of the United States
All righty…..Mr. Obama. As part of your job description as emperor, you and congress are required by law to pass a budget. It is considered one of the most fundamental functions of congress. It’s been 1091 days and you still haven’t passed a budget. Not only that but you and the other democrats have criticized the Republicans when they tried to do your job for you. Response?
“Response? You want a response? I can’t get shit done when other people won’t just let me do whatever the hell I want! All this balance of power crap really gets in my way. At least now in the private sector I can have my way without dealing with other people. Gentlemen look………we’re all high level intellects here. You all know like I do that most people are simply inferior and it requires patience to work alongside them. I’ve been patient, but let’s be honest, it’s not working out and I am now willing to share my incredible skills here with you. It’s a win-win situation. Let’s not look a gift horse in the mouth.”
Point taken. Now then Mr. Obama. The unemployment rate during your predecessor’s tenure was roughly 5.3%. During your time as emperor it’s been 8.2% and that doesn’t include those who gave up looking for work all together. Not since the great depression have we seen numbers like this. We also see that you have strong support among black Americans but every statistic indicates that they are worse off now then before you took office. How do you account for these enigmas?
“What did you call me? Don’t make me get Eric Holder on the phone! Don’t you think I see what’s going on here? The American people deserve better then this!...I mean I deserve more then the American people!...No! That’s not right either…..Your deliberately trying to confuse me with facts and figures! I was the emperor damnit! I could talk a fly off a pile of horse dung! I could sell oregano and convince everyone they were high! College kids love me! It’s about the game man! It’s obvious you are all rich, white, racists, woman haters! I could have the New Black Panther Party and the occupy movement down here in fifteen minutes to put bounties on your head and feces on you lawn! Look…..I need a job ok? They asked me to leave the last one and it wasn’t fair. I’m all about fair. So let’s be fair ok? Harvard didn’t take me back after they realized I had no idea how the Supreme Court worked. The people at Subway said they couldn’t trust me to take customer money. Papa Murphy’s Pizza required that I work together with others. All the investment companies I spoke with ask me to leave immediately. This is not fair. The only company that will hire me right now wants me to hand out flyers on the street corner because they said I have proven very capable at giving things away that don’t belong to me. Gentlemen, you’re my last shot…..your my only hope now. I sincerely hope we forget the past and look forward. I see great things for this company and I only hope you can see your way clear to give me a chance. I want to be a part of the solution now. Please?
Mr. Obama. In spite of you name calling and arrogant demeanor we will still consider giving you a chance. This company believes everyone deserves a chance to succeed. We do have one concern……….
Have you ever worked on an oil pipeline before?
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