I spent the last few months cycling hundreds of miles in preparation for a challenging bike event that I recently completed in July. After it was over, saddle sore and traumatized by having cycled for over 11 hours climbing 16,000 feet over five mountain passes and 130 miles, I decided to give my big butt a break from the saddle and do something completely different for awhile. My daughter, coincidentally, had recently mentioned during a dinner time conversation that she bought an exercise program video about a year ago but never had the opportunity to utilize it. She said it was called the “Insanity workout”.
Now Insanity can be great name for a workout if you are among the legions of hardcore fitness buffs that grate cheese on their abs and have chiseled muscles that reflect light like a diamond. I don’t fit that description by any means. I’m 52 years old, weigh 230 pounds and have more scars on my body then the exercise instructor has years on earth. OH….and I grate my cheese with a metal can and generally block out more light then I reflect.
Insanity is and of itself a fascinating word, with as many interpretations as there are people claiming to be so afflicted and if someone were to call me insane I would laugh hysterically at nothing in particular while nervously rolling steel balls in my hand. But a workout dubbed Insanity? That has my name all over it!
So father and daughter rose at the crack of dark and slammed the first workout DVD into action. The video started by explaining to us that this program was an intense exercise experience and only those fit enough to handle the stress of such a work out should proceed. This was immediately followed by a listing of all previous injuries that would instantly disqualify one from participating at all. I checked and confirmed that I had every single injury listed. I then instructed my workout partner to start that bad boy so we could get it on!
Thirty seconds later we were doing flying Hitler kicks when my back went stiff as a granite slab. I wobbled like a weeble and fell to my side while sheepishly asking my partner to hit the pause button. It seems I just needed to stretch a little first I guess. Not a big deal. I worked the kinks out, let out a manly grunt and told my partner in fitness to start again. Let’s do this thang!
It was about a minute later when my cartilage free left knee advised me it was not going to participate in the side to side jungle bounding experinece. Pause please. It was simply a matter of adjusting my routine as I saw it from bounding, which does seems rather violent, to soft knee bends! With that I was good to go and told my padna to fire that puppy up!
Thirty seconds later my right ankle gave out doing suicide Burpees. Pause!! Too many bad landings playing college basketball I explained. I just needed to rotate it around a little here and there until it lined back up with the rest of my bones. Ok…feels about right…..Are you ready to get fit now partner? Hit it!
Pause!!!!! Are you thirsty honey? cuz I’m really thirsty for some reason. Let’s take a quick water break. Hydration is vital for intense exercise like this so we should make sure we drink enough. Trust me….I’m an experienced athlete!
We eventually started a fitness test to establish our base line level and track our progress throughout the eight week program. I was supposed to count my repetitions and write them down after each test but for some reason I can no longer do one armed, single leg, alligator lunges and count at the same time. I quietly made up a number and reported it to my daughter, who called bullshit on me with her look at the same time the fitness stud on TV announced his number and it was ten less then mine. My bad. Water break!
The video eventually ended and we celebrated our first workout. I crawled up the stairs and rolled into the shower stall to finish bleeding out and have a good cry. I’m sure my daughter was pretty impressed with my performance, being an athlete and all. I didn’t want her to be intimidated by my presence or scared away from this program by such a strenuous first workout so after my shower I asked if she would be more comfortable starting with something more along the lines of the Jane Fonda Butt Blaster or the Richard Simmons Super Sweatin Party. Wouldn’t you know it…she chose to stick it out with the Insanity work out! What a trooper! I’m so proud! Isn’t that great……
I'm sure it gets easier…………..
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