FAT CHANCE

The seemingly non stop slide down into the cultural abyss continues in Casa Grande Arizona with the story of Susanne Eman. Who is Susanne Eman you ask? Why she is an obese model. She is a model of obesity and she is driven to succeed in her passionate goal to accomplish something no other obese woman has ever done before. Susanne Eman, (I may throw up a little here), wants to become the fattest woman in the world. In my opinion she is already possibly the dumbest human being walking the face of the earth, I mean assuming she can still walk. Her goal? She hopes to break the current world record of 1,600 pounds and according to the latest news reports she is about halfway there. Eman has indicated to the news reporters who feel drawn to cover this sad episode that, “I’d love to find out if it’s humanly possible to reach a ton”. She’s eating it all up so to speak.

Susanne Eman consumes 20,000 calories a day. She goes to the supermarket once a month with her two sons, 16 and 12 and spends up to eight hours filling six shopping carts. She rides on a motorized scooter. Astonishingly her mission to become Jabba the Hut’s life partner began after she struggled to lose weight naturally. She also noticed that she began attracting more men as she got heavier and it made her feel good! Eman is unemployed. She cannot work because of her weight but claims she stays active by doing simple exercises and has regular health checks. “I go for a waddle and do stretches every day”, Eman explains. She has been warned by doctors that her little experiment with immensity could easily kill her but she insists she wants to break the record and put to route forever the notion that being obese is a bad thing.

Well Susanne let me be the first then to pull the shades up for you. Listen very carefully to what I’m about to tell you. Ready? Are you comfortable? Can you be comfortable? Being morbidly obese is not a good thing! You are slowly committing suicide and you are giving your sons ringside seats to the event. I won’t bore you with the obvious health issues associated with your disgusting adventure. I’m sure they have been mentioned to you by the doctors you get your, “Health checks” from.

So you’re single and unemployed? Imagine that. Well then Shamu, please tell me that tax payers are not footing the bill for you to achieve this wonderful lifelong dream. If you hit the grocery store once a month I can only assume that is the case. Have you considered your kids, who will likely be motherless by the time you get anywhere near your goal weight? You should have them taken from you immediately. Do you realize that the, “attraction” you refer to from other men is not so much an attraction to you personally as it is a gravitational force created by your bio mass! You should have the government teat ripped out of your voracious mouth today. Reporters should walk away in disgust and forget about you completely. You should be thoroughly embarrassed for yourself and apologize to your sons for even considering such a dangerous and worthless Endeavour. You need to be fed emotional help, not food.

Obesity in this country is reaching critical mass. Look around. Poor parental diet discipline and lazy lifestyles are a big part of the problem. TV, video gaming, computers and a general lack of physical activity only exacerbate it. Fast food restaurants do not help matters. I’ve had weight related issues hit close to home as have my friends and colleagues. I don’t see the humor or novelty in all this. Next time you have an hour to kill, go walk up and down the Intensive Care Unit of any hospital.  Maybe somebody who loves Susanne Iman should wheel her there for a little look see into the not so sexy reality that is her future if she continues on her quest for fat fame.

So a lonely sick woman in Arizona has succumbed to the allure of the absurd. The hypnotic pull of the Octomom method of infamy through gross irresponsibility has found another follower. Don’t follow her.